MONOLOGUE JOKES—9/10/14

  1. DiGiorno, the frozen pizza company, had to apologize to victims of domestic abuse today after it accidentally tweeted something insensitive.  That’s nice, now if they could just apologize for the frozen cardboard they call pizza, everything would be ok.
  2. A former executive for the New York Mets is suing the team, claiming she was fired for being pregnant as a single woman.  The worst part is that she was fired for being pregnant and single, the best part is that she was fired from the Mets.
  3. Here’s some good news: after decades of decline, the ozone layer is actually beginning to recover.  Of course it’s hard to know the real cause of the improvement, but scientists believe it has something to do with nobody doing this anymore: (KEY: woman’s hairstyle from the 80s, spraying Aqua Net)
  4. This is big: scientists in Denmark have discovered two new species that live in the ocean and are mushroom-shaped.  When he heard about it, Rob Ford said, “Ok they’re new species, but if they’re still mushrooms right?  They’ll still make me trip balls?”
  5. A 19-year-old girl in Colorado pled guilty to providing support to ISIS and other terrorist groups, saying that she was doing it to help her boyfriend, an American-born ISIS militant.  Kids these days are crazy—what ever happened to just putting out?

MONOLOGUE JOKES—9/4 and 9/5

Here are the jokes I wrote yesterday and today.  I was very busy yesterday and didn’t get home in time to post them at a decent hour, so I waited.  Sue me.

  1. This is interesting: Los Angeles artist, XVALA, will add leaked nude photos of Jennifer Lawrence and Kate Upton to his No Delete show, about privacy in the digital era.  Seriously?  Do you know how many pictures I’ve sent this guy?  I’ve been trying to get into this show for months!
  2. The show about privacy in the digital era will feature leaked nude photos, along with several other pictures that celebrities wish they could get rid of such as: (KEY: Rick Perry with corn dog; KEY: The Rock in turtleneck, jeans, and fanny pack), and of course: (KEY: Rob Ford surprised face).
  3. This isn’t good: apparently healthcare.gov was hacked in July.  So if you thought naked pictures of Kate Upton were exciting, just wait till you see some hot, steamy pictures of insurance forms!
  4. Apparently President George W. Bush’s daughters are not registered as Republicans, like their dad.  President Bush isn’t too disappointed though, he says (cocky), “Ok, they may not be Republicans, but can they read at a sixth grade level?  Boom.  Didn’t think so.  Nailed it.”
  5. I’d like to congratulate Scarlett Johansson on the birth of her new baby girl!  I’d also like to congratulate Scarlett Johansson on being the only person on earth who knew that Scarlett Johansson was pregnant.
  6. That’s right, Scarlett Johansson gave birth to a baby girl whose name is Rose Dorothy.  You don’t see that name a lot anymore, but just like every other Rose Dorothy, she can’t eat solid foods, needs help going to the bathroom, and goes to bed at 4pm.
  7. Check this out, a newly found asteroid will fly very close to earth on Sunday, but NASA predicts that it won’t hit us or any satellites.  ”Dammit!  This was your moment, Joe!”  Said Vice President Biden as he put away his copies of Armageddon and Deep Impact.
  8. A plane en route from Afghanistan to Dubai had to make an unexpected landing in Iran after not following the correct flight plan.  Funny, that sounds a lot like the old excuse I would use when I showed up at my high school ex’s house in the middle of the night.  ”Oh hey sorry, didn’t mean to show up here like this.  I must’ve been following the wrong flight plan.  I was driving to Dubai.”

MONOLOGUE JOKES—9/3/14

Here are the jokes I wrote today.  Enjoy!

  1. Vice President Biden said today that the United States will “follow ISIS to the gates of Hell” after the beheadings of two American Journalists.  He continued, “What do you mean Amtrak doesn’t have a station in Hell?  How else are we supposed to follow ISIS there?  Could this day get any WORSE?”
  2. Later, Biden received a call from former Vice President, Dick Cheney, who congratulated Biden for taking a page out of his book.  To which Biden replied, “That’s ridiculous, I’ve never read a book!”
  3. This is weird, apparently Madden NFL 15 has a glitch that’s caused one player for the Tennessee Titans to appear as only 1 foot, 2 inches tall.  So hey, if this 1 foot, 2 inch tall man can play football, maybe there’s hope for all the white men out there who were told they couldn’t jump.
  4. A new study out of Cornell University says that watching Michael Bay movies inspires bad eating habits.  And for Michael Bay, watching Michael Bay movies inspires more terrible Michael Bay movies.
  5. That’s right, a new study found that watching Michael Bay movies is bad for your health.  According to the poll, the people who suffer the most: people in Michael Bay movies. (KEY: Pictures of characters near explosions in Michael Bay movies)
  6. Cee Lo Green apologized today for comments he made about rape.  That’s a good start… now if only we could get him to apologize to all the children he’s scared by looking like a horrible alien-dinosaur hybrid.

Hey, at least I’m writing them.

MONOLOGUE JOKES—9/2/14

Here are the jokes I wrote yesterday.  Enjoy!

  1. Uber’s been in the news a lot lately, and now a German court has apparently banned them from operating there.  When asked to explain their decision, the court said (VERY serious German accent), “Uber is clearly a nonsense word, and there will be no nonsense on our streets.  No one in Germany has ever used the word Uber, and we won’t start now.  Wait a minute—”
  2. That’s right, Germany has banned Uber, and if the ban holds Germans will be missing out on everything that a service like Uber has to offer, from a convenient way to call a car, to the awkward unsurety that comes with not knowing whether that black Volkswagen is here to pick you up or (creepy), “pick you up…”
  3. Today Vladimir Putin said that he could take Kiev, the Ukranian capital, in two weeks.  Then after that he said, (Russian accent) “But that’s nothing.  I can also finish a game of Risk in under an hour.”
  4. The makers of the movie Frozen announced today that they’re making a short film featuring characters from the movie and an all new song.  Children everywhere are, no doubt, excited to sing along to a new song; while parents everywhere are, no doubt, excited to crack open another seven bottles of wine every night to cope.

They’re ok.  I’m just glad to be consistent with my “jokes every day” goal.  Of course I’m not going to just write shitty jokes to say I wrote jokes.  I worked hard on these, and I’m still technically a beginner.  But I do recognize that these jokes probably aren’t amazing.

spotastic:

I first saw this Abbot & Costello sketch when I was in middle school. It blew my mind. It was my first lesson in bullshitting and justification.

For some reason I woke up this morning thinking about it.

Damn I love it. So Good.

This. Is. Perfect.

MONOLOGUE JOKES—8/27 and 8/28

It’s been a busy couple of days and I didn’t get to post any jokes yesterday, so here are jokes from yesterday and today.  Enjoy!

8/27
  1. Apple is reportedly launching its biggest iPad ever in 2015, with a screen size of 12.9 inches.  When asked if they were compensating for something with the bigger size, Apple replied, “yes: better ideas.”
  2. A one-man stage version of “Breaking Bad” has been getting rave reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival.  Oh great, so this guy’s show gets critical acclaim, but when I do the same thing I have to, “Please get off of the bar, sir”?
8/28
  1. "Hello Kitty" fans were shocked on Wednesday when they found out that the beloved character isn’t actually a cat.  When they heard about it, cats everywhere were like, "That’s right—we prefer the term, ‘Feline American.’"
  2. Yes, apparently this new development marks the end of a long crusade by Donald Trump to obtain Hello Kitty’s long-form birth certificate.
  3. The National Institutes of Health is looking to buy 12 acres of marijuana from pot farmers. They say pot is needed for research purposes, which is as believable for them to say as it is for every junior in high school ever.
  4. That’s right, The National Institutes of Health needs 12 acres of weed for research, and when he heard about it, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, “That’s what I was doing the crack for! Research! … Nah, I’m just kiddin’, I was doin’ it ‘cause it’s fun.”
  5. Here’s some good news: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in France this weekend!  And in other news: everything.
  6. A federal judge has struck down part of Utah’s ban on polygamy, effectively decriminalizing it.  Which is great, now if you guys could just hang on a minute, I have to go ask my wife a very important question. (leaves the stage)
  7. That’s right, polygamy has been decriminalized in Utah, and polygamists are asking their critics to be more tolerant of their lifestyle.  I’m sorry, remind me again: who’s been trying to get gay marriage banned all over the country?  Oh that’s right: Utah polygamists.

MONOLOGUE JOKES—8/26/14

Today was a bit slower for me.  I was busier than I was yesterday and I wasn’t feeling as confident in the jokes I was coming up with—thus fewer jokes.

Anyway, here are the jokes.  I hope you like them.  I’m having fun practicing my craft, and I hope I’m getting better… I think I am.

  1. A fight broke out on a flight from Newark to Denver this weekend when a male passenger refused to remove his ‘Knee Defender’—a device designed to protect legroom—which prevented the woman in front of him from reclining, marking the first time in history that a man has gotten in trouble for actually using protection.
  2. It was announced today that Burger King and Canadian coffee and doughnut chain, Tim Hortons, are officially merging.  Canadians were reportedly excited, while Americans said, “Big deal, we’ve been putting burgers on doughnuts for years!”
  3. That’s right, Burger King and Canada’s Tim Hortons are merging.  When asked for a reason, Burger King said, “We wanted to pay lower taxes, and we needed a way to compete with Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco”.
  4. This is weird, President Obama will be awarding the Congressional Medal of Honor to a soldier who died 151 years ago, during The Battle of Gettysburg.  That story again: President Obama would rather award the Congressional Medal of Honor to someone who’s been dead for 151 years, than act on any of the terrible disasters facing the US and the world.
  5. Yes, a soldier killed during the Battle of Gettysburg will receive the Medal of Honor 151 years after his death.  When he told his family, they said “(ZOMBIE NOISES),” which just goes to show you, even Zombie Parents can be proud of their kids’ accomplishments, DAD.
Schmaltzy, Self-Congratulatory Tumblr Post

kristenrbartlett:

If I had gotten on a Maude team the first year I applied in 2011, I wouldn’t have pitched an article to The GLOC about rejection.

If Glennis McCarthy hadn’t said yes to my pitch, I wouldn’t have asked Julie Klausner, Caitlin Bitzegaio, and Lennon Parham for interviews.

If they hadn’t said yes, I…

"The no’s are good. They make you better."

Kristen Bartlett rules.  And she is very funny