My name is Jonathan Hess. I like to write and tell stories—generally in the form of screenplays, though sometimes I just like to write jokes—and to perform wacky things on live stages.
I've studied at NYU Tisch where I earned a degree in Film and TV Production, at the BBC in London, where I also interned in their Comedy Department, and I take classes in improv and sketch comedy at the Upright Citizens Brigade Theatre in New York.
It’s been a busy couple of days and I didn’t get to post any jokes yesterday, so here are jokes from yesterday and today. Enjoy!
Apple is reportedly launching its biggest iPad ever in 2015, with a screen size of 12.9 inches. When asked if they were compensating for something with the bigger size, Apple replied, “yes: better ideas.”
A one-man stage version of “Breaking Bad” has been getting rave reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Oh great, so this guy’s show gets critical acclaim, but when I do the same thing I have to, “Please get off of the bar, sir”?
"Hello Kitty" fans were shocked on Wednesday when they found out that the beloved character isn’t actually a cat. When they heard about it, cats everywhere were like, "That’s right—we prefer the term, ‘Feline American.’"
Yes, apparently this new development marks the end of a long crusade by Donald Trump to obtain Hello Kitty’s long-form birth certificate.
The National Institutes of Health is looking to buy 12 acres of marijuana from pot farmers. They say pot is needed for research purposes, which is as believable for them to say as it is for every junior in high school ever.
That’s right, The National Institutes of Health needs 12 acres of weed for research, and when he heard about it, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, “That’s what I was doing the crack for! Research! … Nah, I’m just kiddin’, I was doin’ it ‘cause it’s fun.”
Here’s some good news: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in France this weekend! And in other news: everything.
A federal judge has struck down part of Utah’s ban on polygamy, effectively decriminalizing it. Which is great, now if you guys could just hang on a minute, I have to go ask my wife a very important question. (leaves the stage)
That’s right, polygamy has been decriminalized in Utah, and polygamists are asking their critics to be more tolerant of their lifestyle. I’m sorry, remind me again: who’s been trying to get gay marriage banned all over the country? Oh that’s right: Utah polygamists.
Today was a bit slower for me. I was busier than I was yesterday and I wasn’t feeling as confident in the jokes I was coming up with—thus fewer jokes.
Anyway, here are the jokes. I hope you like them. I’m having fun practicing my craft, and I hope I’m getting better… I think I am.
A fight broke out on a flight from Newark to Denver this weekend when a male passenger refused to remove his ‘Knee Defender’—a device designed to protect legroom—which prevented the woman in front of him from reclining, marking the first time in history that a man has gotten in trouble for actually using protection.
It was announced today that Burger King and Canadian coffee and doughnut chain, Tim Hortons, are officially merging. Canadians were reportedly excited, while Americans said, “Big deal, we’ve been putting burgers on doughnuts for years!”
That’s right, Burger King and Canada’s Tim Hortons are merging. When asked for a reason, Burger King said, “We wanted to pay lower taxes, and we needed a way to compete with Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco”.
This is weird, President Obama will be awarding the Congressional Medal of Honor to a soldier who died 151 years ago, during The Battle of Gettysburg. That story again: President Obama would rather award the Congressional Medal of Honor to someone who’s been dead for 151 years, than act on any of the terrible disasters facing the US and the world.
Yes, a soldier killed during the Battle of Gettysburg will receive the Medal of Honor 151 years after his death. When he told his family, they said “(ZOMBIE NOISES),” which just goes to show you, even Zombie Parents can be proud of their kids’ accomplishments, DAD.
I’ve been practicing my monologue joke writing a fair amount recently, and I thought it might be a cool idea to put them out there for the world to see. So, every day I’ll post the jokes I write. There’s a good chance many of them won’t be very good, but I’m still new at this and I’m taking a leap by putting them out here, so there.
Ok, on to the first batch:
This is kind of awkward: a radio analyst for the San Diego Chargers made a joke on the air about how Jews are cheap. When they heard about it, Jewish football fans said, (Yiddish accent) “If we’re cheap, what are your jokes?”
A missile, designed by the US Military to strike any target in the world in under an hour exploded prematurely during a test flight today. Experts say the US Military just needs to work on its self control and breathing and then the missile will last longer—er—go further.
Here’s some local news: apparently nearly 40% of all the pay phones in New York City don’t work. And the 60% of pay phones in New York City that do work, only work as urinals.
Due to unforeseen weather, Burning Man has been canceled for two days. Which is a real shame, because there’s literally nowhere else in the world where you can smoke weed but the desert, in front of a burning effigy.
Yes, Burning Man has been canceled for two days, and that’s just great, because what could go wrong when you take away the favorite vacation spot of a pyromania inclined drug addict?
A church in Croatia is blocking Game of Thrones from shooting a pivotal nude scene there, due to its opposition to public nudity. When they heard about it, every 13-year-old boy in the world said, (shyly) “You can shoot it in my bedroom…”
That’s right, Game of Thrones can’t shoot a nude scene in a church. When asked why, the church said, “We don’t want Game of Thrones’ reputation for political corruption and rape to conflict with our reputation for… political corruption and rape…”
That’s all for today (yesterday, now, I guess). I’ll have more for the 26th later today!
I wanted to say somewhere publicly that I feel very lucky to have been at UCBNY during the Nate Dern years. He is a thoughtful, dedicated, and creative individual who ended his term as AD by presiding over the largest DCM in UCB’s history. He diversified the performers and writers at the theatre,…
Last year at the Del Close Marathon, TCGS put together a show where you were able to enter a series of tents to hang out one on one with your favorite members of the TCGS family. It was interactive and weird and super fun.
This year we’re upping the ante by linking you up with cast members so you can FIGHT other cast members and other AUDIENCE members. It will be a tournament unlike anything the world’s ever seen, with your favorite public access absurdist goofballs honoring Del Close in a series of competitive trials.
It’s going to be interactive theater of the most competitive and perhaps physically risky caliber.
I don’t know if anyone else in America feels this way, but the past few years I’ve been into this TV show called Game of Thrones, and the book series it was spawned from. And that gave me an idea – why can’t we try to live for one night in a world that works like that world? Why can’t we layer the TCGS universe on top of a pseudo-medieval society, then hold a tournament where actual audience members compete in a tournament where they face off for an ultimate prize?