MONOLOGUE JOKES—8/27 and 8/28
It’s been a busy couple of days and I didn’t get to post any jokes yesterday, so here are jokes from yesterday and today. Enjoy!
- Apple is reportedly launching its biggest iPad ever in 2015, with a screen size of 12.9 inches. When asked if they were compensating for something with the bigger size, Apple replied, “yes: better ideas.”
- A one-man stage version of “Breaking Bad” has been getting rave reviews at the Edinburgh Fringe Festival. Oh great, so this guy’s show gets critical acclaim, but when I do the same thing I have to, “Please get off of the bar, sir”?
- "Hello Kitty" fans were shocked on Wednesday when they found out that the beloved character isn’t actually a cat. When they heard about it, cats everywhere were like, "That’s right—we prefer the term, ‘Feline American.’"
- Yes, apparently this new development marks the end of a long crusade by Donald Trump to obtain Hello Kitty’s long-form birth certificate.
- The National Institutes of Health is looking to buy 12 acres of marijuana from pot farmers. They say pot is needed for research purposes, which is as believable for them to say as it is for every junior in high school ever.
- That’s right, The National Institutes of Health needs 12 acres of weed for research, and when he heard about it, Toronto Mayor Rob Ford said, “That’s what I was doing the crack for! Research! … Nah, I’m just kiddin’, I was doin’ it ‘cause it’s fun.”
- Here’s some good news: Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie got married in France this weekend! And in other news: everything.
- A federal judge has struck down part of Utah’s ban on polygamy, effectively decriminalizing it. Which is great, now if you guys could just hang on a minute, I have to go ask my wife a very important question. (leaves the stage)
- That’s right, polygamy has been decriminalized in Utah, and polygamists are asking their critics to be more tolerant of their lifestyle. I’m sorry, remind me again: who’s been trying to get gay marriage banned all over the country? Oh that’s right: Utah polygamists.
Today was a bit slower for me. I was busier than I was yesterday and I wasn’t feeling as confident in the jokes I was coming up with—thus fewer jokes.
Anyway, here are the jokes. I hope you like them. I’m having fun practicing my craft, and I hope I’m getting better… I think I am.
- A fight broke out on a flight from Newark to Denver this weekend when a male passenger refused to remove his ‘Knee Defender’—a device designed to protect legroom—which prevented the woman in front of him from reclining, marking the first time in history that a man has gotten in trouble for actually using protection.
- It was announced today that Burger King and Canadian coffee and doughnut chain, Tim Hortons, are officially merging. Canadians were reportedly excited, while Americans said, “Big deal, we’ve been putting burgers on doughnuts for years!”
- That’s right, Burger King and Canada’s Tim Hortons are merging. When asked for a reason, Burger King said, “We wanted to pay lower taxes, and we needed a way to compete with Taco Bell’s Waffle Taco”.
- This is weird, President Obama will be awarding the Congressional Medal of Honor to a soldier who died 151 years ago, during The Battle of Gettysburg. That story again: President Obama would rather award the Congressional Medal of Honor to someone who’s been dead for 151 years, than act on any of the terrible disasters facing the US and the world.
- Yes, a soldier killed during the Battle of Gettysburg will receive the Medal of Honor 151 years after his death. When he told his family, they said “(ZOMBIE NOISES),” which just goes to show you, even Zombie Parents can be proud of their kids’ accomplishments, DAD.
I’ve been practicing my monologue joke writing a fair amount recently, and I thought it might be a cool idea to put them out there for the world to see. So, every day I’ll post the jokes I write. There’s a good chance many of them won’t be very good, but I’m still new at this and I’m taking a leap by putting them out here, so there.
Ok, on to the first batch:
- This is kind of awkward: a radio analyst for the San Diego Chargers made a joke on the air about how Jews are cheap. When they heard about it, Jewish football fans said, (Yiddish accent) “If we’re cheap, what are your jokes?”
- A missile, designed by the US Military to strike any target in the world in under an hour exploded prematurely during a test flight today. Experts say the US Military just needs to work on its self control and breathing and then the missile will last longer—er—go further.
- Here’s some local news: apparently nearly 40% of all the pay phones in New York City don’t work. And the 60% of pay phones in New York City that do work, only work as urinals.
- Due to unforeseen weather, Burning Man has been canceled for two days. Which is a real shame, because there’s literally nowhere else in the world where you can smoke weed but the desert, in front of a burning effigy.
- Yes, Burning Man has been canceled for two days, and that’s just great, because what could go wrong when you take away the favorite vacation spot of a pyromania inclined drug addict?
- A church in Croatia is blocking Game of Thrones from shooting a pivotal nude scene there, due to its opposition to public nudity. When they heard about it, every 13-year-old boy in the world said, (shyly) “You can shoot it in my bedroom…”
- That’s right, Game of Thrones can’t shoot a nude scene in a church. When asked why, the church said, “We don’t want Game of Thrones’ reputation for political corruption and rape to conflict with our reputation for… political corruption and rape…”
That’s all for today (yesterday, now, I guess). I’ll have more for the 26th later today!
Reflecting on Spring Semester 2012
I was just on the phone with my dad, talking to him about a recent compliment I’d gotten from my editing professor. It gave me a moment of reflection on what I now deem a really great semester.
This semester has been an incredible confidence booster for me—something that I’ve really needed.
Through all of the encouragement, advice, and notes that I’ve gotten from my writing professor and from my classmates, I am slowly becoming more confident and more comfortable in my own skin as a screenwriter—this is totally new for me.
The same holds true for me, as an editor. I’ve always been fairly confident in my skills as a film editor but this semester has allowed me to branch off as a more marketable editor. I have begun to take on a LOT more independent projects, with the possibility of one or more features, and that feels really good! The best part is that a lot of these projects have sought ME out and not vice versa! So, not only do I believe in myself as an editor, but others do as well!
As a director, I’ve always been confident that because it’s what I want to do for a living, I can use that passion and determination to communicate my artistic vision to a cast and crew. However, just because I feel that way doesn’t mean that everything I make will be good. Believe it or not, Sight and Sound: Studio has made me feel more confident as a director (and as a comedy writer…sort of). I know that what I made in that class is good and that it is funny and knowing that I directed it, that I translated my artistic and comedic visions from my head (and from the head of my writing partner) to the page and then to a cast and crew is so exciting. I can happily say that I am now a much more confident director.
Comedy! This has nothing to do with NYU but since January, I’ve been taking improv classes at the UCB Theatre. I’m almost finished with my 201 class and I absolutely love it. Seriously, improv (and comedy as a whole) is a drug and I am a proud addict. I’ve always liked to think of myself as funny but until 2012, I’ve spent a lot of time second guessing myself. I’ve still got way more to learn in the ways of becoming a comedian but I can say that, if nothing else, I am much more confident in my abilities to make people laugh and to improvise a series of scenes.
None of these things are meant with any tone of arrogance. I know that there’s way more for me to learn as a writer, editor, director and improviser (one day comedian, I hope). I still need to work on honing my comedic AND dramatic voices, I need to get more experience cutting more high-profile/feature length material, I need to get out there and just make more movies, and I need to keep practicing and keep LEARNING comedy if I’m ever going to make my comedic dreams come true!
I need to keep practicing and learning about all of these things if I’m ever going to make any of my dreams come true. That said, I’m feeling really good and really confident about my progress this year. I’m glad I had that reflection.
Sorry, I know that was long…if you read all the way, thank you and congratulations.